Breaking down....

Another lonely Christmas. Another lonely year. Seems like I'll be alone for a long time. I wish everything is fix with just a snap of a finger. Wish I could just wave my hands and everything we be  how I want it. But that's not how it goes. I have to suffer and be in pain before I can be happy. Seems like I'll be suffering for a long time. I feel like just shutting everyone out and just lock myself in my room and cry. Maybe I'll feel better if I do that. Maybe I won't be in as much pain as I still am. No, nothing will change how I feel until he's back and staying. I wish this job comes faster, so everything can start faster. That's just how everything has turned out to be. I hate this one person so much. Hate is such a big word I don't use often. I use it for that person. He ruined me and took the most precious person in my life. The only person who has made me let go all of my stress just by looking at him, just by his single touch makes everything go away. His hugs, his smile, his eyes, his warmth, all taken from me. I feel like I just want to give up but I can't. Whenever I feel like this, I always hear his voice, telling me he loves me and misses me. I'm trying so hard to not think like this. But I can't. Sometimes I just want to give everything up, only because I don't want to see my baby's sad face when he leaves. I don't want him going through all this. But other times I don't want to give everything up because I don't want to miss seeing him grow up. He'll miss me too much. I've already decided on what I'm doing. It's a long process and I'll have a lot of moments like this, but I just need to stay strong. My New Year resolution will be to be happy and stay strong. Continue what I plan to do. Hopefully next year won't be as lonely as this. I need to learn to trust the people close to me. I need to be able to talk to someone, that will probably be healthy for me instead of bottling it all up inside me. I just need to be strong...