Breaking down....

Another lonely Christmas. Another lonely year. Seems like I'll be alone for a long time. I wish everything is fix with just a snap of a finger. Wish I could just wave my hands and everything we be  how I want it. But that's not how it goes. I have to suffer and be in pain before I can be happy. Seems like I'll be suffering for a long time. I feel like just shutting everyone out and just lock myself in my room and cry. Maybe I'll feel better if I do that. Maybe I won't be in as much pain as I still am. No, nothing will change how I feel until he's back and staying. I wish this job comes faster, so everything can start faster. That's just how everything has turned out to be. I hate this one person so much. Hate is such a big word I don't use often. I use it for that person. He ruined me and took the most precious person in my life. The only person who has made me let go all of my stress just by looking at him, just by his single touch makes everything go away. His hugs, his smile, his eyes, his warmth, all taken from me. I feel like I just want to give up but I can't. Whenever I feel like this, I always hear his voice, telling me he loves me and misses me. I'm trying so hard to not think like this. But I can't. Sometimes I just want to give everything up, only because I don't want to see my baby's sad face when he leaves. I don't want him going through all this. But other times I don't want to give everything up because I don't want to miss seeing him grow up. He'll miss me too much. I've already decided on what I'm doing. It's a long process and I'll have a lot of moments like this, but I just need to stay strong. My New Year resolution will be to be happy and stay strong. Continue what I plan to do. Hopefully next year won't be as lonely as this. I need to learn to trust the people close to me. I need to be able to talk to someone, that will probably be healthy for me instead of bottling it all up inside me. I just need to be strong...

Surprised..

A lot has been going on lately. Meeting new people. Going to family outings. Work. School. Ever since that night, I've been trying to be busy. I've met a lot of nice people, and crazy people. What surprised me is this one individual that you both know about. I will give this individual a name, either R.C or Longbottom. Lol, Longbottom was a joke that he made up. It's his porn name. I'll stick with R.C. Anyways, I'm very surprised only because I never met someone like him. Someone who makes me feel comfortable inside yet gives me butterflies when I see and talk to him. It's been 2 weeks and 2 days. We talk everyday, text messaging and phone calls. He's not a phone person, and yet we talk for 2 - 3 hours tops before we go to bed. We text each other everyday while he's at work. I try not to bother him when he's at work, but he still text me. I'm surprised, and happy. I can actually say I'm happy. By being with him, even though we're not really together, I find that I don't have to hide my emotions from the world. I can be with him and just be myself. Whether or not I'm happy or upset. He's there to talk and lend a shoulder, laugh and smile. We had an interesting conversation today which really surprised me. Well, all our conversations are very interesting. He's a very interesting person I must say. Now I know that I'm on his mind a lot, and he knows that he's on my mind a lot. He's been hurt many times I know that and vice versa. He was surprised to know that I wanted to see him. I don't mind seeing him everyday even if it's for a short time. Even if not everyday, at least I get to see him once or twice a week. Even if it's not that, he still calls. Just hearing his voice is nice. I was surprised when he said that I'm on his mind and that he wants to be better then my ex's. I've never have someone tell me that. I go to bed now. Goodnight reader.

Since that night....

I've been doing a lot of thinking since that night. A lot to do with life. What is the purpose of me being here? What do I really want? Who am I really? How am I going to keep moving forward? I think a lot period. Couple nights ago, I drove down to Lakeshore and sat in my car and think. I like driving down to the lake. The drive is somewhat peaceful, I have my music blaring, but when I get to the lake, for me it's somewhat my escape. It was too cold that night to go out and sit on the rocks, plus I was in heels. Sat in the car and had my window down and just laid down and listen to the waves and think. It's soothing, very soothing.
The past couple of weeks, I've been trying to stay strong and be strong. I've been doing it mostly for my Cameron. I've always live my life to please the other person but never myself. This week was to find my own happiness, to make me happy, to live my life not only for my son but for myself. Ever since that night, I rarely was home. I didn't want to be home as much as I used to. Home to me isn't a loving place that I'm glad to be in anymore. My home right now feels like a prison, my room is my cell. Just like prison, there is no love. 3 meals a day, go out and come back and lock myself in my room. Everything here is provided if needed. What I really want is love. Someone to love me. Someone I can go to and tell that person everything. I don't feel love from my own family, how can I feel love from someone else? I can actually, from that one person who I love so much and who loves me, my son. I look at my son, and I think about my family. It makes me wonder how can anyone say that to their own child and mean it. They may love me, but they never showed it. My family is not a normal family. My family is really fucked up and I'm not just saying it. After my mental breakdown, thoughts of Cameron went through my head. He's the only thing that is keeping me alive. I don't even want myself to be here, but he's the only angel that I have in my life right now. He makes me happy. He lifts me up on my feet when I'm down. He loves me. Because my baby makes me stronger, I've decided to be strong for myself as well. So I've been trying so hard. Meeting new people. Not being a hermit. So far, I'm living. I'm not happy as yet. I'm still a depressed, angry child. Stupid thoughts still go through my head now and then. It's a working progress..
I've met a lot of people these past couple of weeks. Made new friends. Some were hangouts and some were dates. I've been seeing this guy a lot lately. Surprisingly, I didn't think I was able to after that happened. It was  the next night actually that we first met. I wasn't sure if I could do it, wasn't sure if I was going to breakdown out of the blue, didn't want that to happen. At first I wasn't opened up. I had my wall up. Luckily my friend Jenny was with us and she sort of broke the ice a little. Then she had to leave and we ended up talking/getting to know each other/spending time for 9 hours straight. After Jenny left, I started to open up little and yea.. That was a crazy night/day. I left home that night at 9 - 10pm and got home at 7am. It was crazy, and different. The next day we met again and the next day we met up again. We've met up with each other for about 4 days straight from when we first met. Now, we talk/text each other everyday. I see him at least once or twice a week. I like him, he likes me, but we're both taking it slow. We both have been hurt. And we both basically want the same thing. To feel love. I'm glad we're taking things slow, I don't want to rush things. I want to know for sure. We both feel comfortable around each other. I can be me, and he can be him. My family likes him so far, but things are going to be different. Really different. We both know each other's secret. My secret will never leave me. I am scarred for life. Even though I was told that it's not my fault, I still feel ashamed and disgusted.
So far, I'm a working progress to happiness. My own happiness. I may have been scarred for life. I may have had a fucked up life. All I wanted and still want is someone I can turn to. Someone who can be there throughout my happiest and saddest moments. Even if that person isn't there, I can be happy on my own. I need to be. For myself and for my baby. I'm on the right track so far. I just need to focus and be strong, if I can....