Take in the good, throw away the bad.

I haven't been on here for quite some time now. I've been quite "blah" lately. Since I only have 2 followers, and you're both my friends, and you both know a lot about me, I don't mind sharing. Easier, since you both look at my blog =). My little journal, I should start blogging a lot. Anyways, back to business, since my last blog about my "happiness". It was a good thing I didn't get too deep into it. My wall was way up and was afraid to come down for him. It was a good thing, because a few nights ago I found out a few things about my family history and connections to everything that has happened in my life. I'll tell you about what I found out, then what happened with him..

Everything was going well until after my shower. I got out, hear my mom crying and talking to my brother. I ran upstairs with my towel and hair was still dripping wet to find out what was wrong. Well, my brother decided to find out more, how, according to my mom he accused her of not caring for my dad. Mom burst into tears and starting going on how badly my mom treated her. My parents never loved each other. They only got married to move here. My brother and I found out a lot of shocking news. They decided to stay together because my mom was pregnant with me. My dad wanted her to have an abortion. She didn't, she decided to keep me. Then she was pregnant with my brother. Again, my dad wanted her to have an abortion. Again, she didn't and decided to keep him. Then she was pregnant again with my little brother. Again, the same thing. When I was born, my dad was never there. No flowers, not a single visit to see me or my mother. When my brother was born, same thing. No flowers, no gifts, not a single visit to see him, my mother, or myself. When my mother was in labor with my youngest brother, she had to take care of my brother and I, called my father who was at a party that time and couldn't pick her up. She took the cab to the hospital while watching us and in labor at the same time. Youngest brother died at birth with not enough oxygen, she didn't get to the hospital on time to deliver. I blame my him. I hate him even more. I put the connections together and understood why he did what he did. I'm pretty sure you both-followers/friends-know what I'm talking about, and if anyone else reads this, you have a pretty good idea of what I'm talking about. After finding out the truth about how my youngest brother died, it killed me. It killed me inside even more knowing that we could've had a better life, or another life in another time. My parents never loved each other, they never go out on romantic dates, they never kissed or say I love you, not that I could remember. My dad has never bought my mom any gifts. They never celebrate anniversaries, I've never seen or heard them mention it at all. Then I found out my mom self-destructed so many times in the past. She wanted to kill herself, but she couldn't because of us. She couldn't do anything to make it better. She couldn't leave and have a better life for herself. Instead she blame us for everything that happened to her. She blamed us for all the pain and suffering she went through. For my 23 years and my brothers 22 years, we find out now that we were a mistake, we were a huge burden to her, it was all because of us. My brother and I have both been scarred for life. Because of this, and knowing the fact that we're the ones to be blamed for the pain and suffering she went through was hard to take in. My brother has a disability that is for life which he is scarred from. Everything he went through was hell. What I've been through scarred me, the worse was that no one believes me. Everyone thinks that I'm stupid, I shouldn't say things like that. All my mom wanted was someone to love her. That was her pain and suffering. What my brother and I went through was more pain and suffering then her. That night when we found out, I almost self-destruct. Knowing that all my life and all my brothers life and the fact that we could've had a younger brother right now was all a mistake. A mistake that was never fixed. That night I wanted to just leave, leave everything, but then I thought about my baby. I couldn't do that to him. He wasn't a mistake, he's my angel. I think about him and I think about everything that I just found out and wonder how can anyone say that. I could understand if it was a joke or out of anger, but this was serious. How can anyone not love their kids? My parents don't love us, they care because they have to. I barely remember my parents ever tell us they love us. All I remember that after moving here, it was the same. Anger, sadness, depression. There were smiles, laughters, but mostly all fake. Lies. That night, I needed someone to talk to, anyone. I called up all my friends, I messaged him. I got bullshit from him. My friends couldn't be there, but they were still messaging me to make sure I was alright. What did he do? Nothing. Then I realized it wasn't even meant to be. Almost a month, when I needed someone to talk to me and make sure I don't do anything stupid, he wasn't there. Everything he told me were lies. All good to the ears but not to the heart. I was glad I didn't break my wall for him. I almost self-destructed. I'm glad I had someone get me back on my feet and back on my path. I had someone to basically slap me across the face and tell me to wake up and look at what's in front of you. I woke up and saw my baby. I don't just live myself, I live for him.

Take in the good, throw away the bad. There are some things you can and cannot forget. I've been scarred for life. I can't forget it, but I need to put it behind me. I need to be strong. I need to start living for myself before others. I need to be happy before I start making others happy. That's not me though. It's going to be hard. I've always make others happy before thinking about my own happiness. I tend to put certain people before myself. I don't know what happiness is now. The only time I know what that is is when my baby is with me. It's sad. 23 years and I don't know what it's like to have happiness. My happiness never stays with me.

Now you know what happened a few nights ago. I'm glad I let it out. I'm glad that someone stopped me. I just have to keep on looking forward then backward. I need to keep fighting. I have to be a warrior. You say I'm strong, I say I'm weak but I'm trying. I hide my emotions. My eyes says everything. I want to be happy and I believe that one day I will. I want the light to be there always and never leave me no matter what. I need comfort. I need protection. I need love. I need warmth. To get all that, I need it from me. To do that, I need to be strong. I can do this, for myself and for my baby.