Breaking down....

Another lonely Christmas. Another lonely year. Seems like I'll be alone for a long time. I wish everything is fix with just a snap of a finger. Wish I could just wave my hands and everything we be  how I want it. But that's not how it goes. I have to suffer and be in pain before I can be happy. Seems like I'll be suffering for a long time. I feel like just shutting everyone out and just lock myself in my room and cry. Maybe I'll feel better if I do that. Maybe I won't be in as much pain as I still am. No, nothing will change how I feel until he's back and staying. I wish this job comes faster, so everything can start faster. That's just how everything has turned out to be. I hate this one person so much. Hate is such a big word I don't use often. I use it for that person. He ruined me and took the most precious person in my life. The only person who has made me let go all of my stress just by looking at him, just by his single touch makes everything go away. His hugs, his smile, his eyes, his warmth, all taken from me. I feel like I just want to give up but I can't. Whenever I feel like this, I always hear his voice, telling me he loves me and misses me. I'm trying so hard to not think like this. But I can't. Sometimes I just want to give everything up, only because I don't want to see my baby's sad face when he leaves. I don't want him going through all this. But other times I don't want to give everything up because I don't want to miss seeing him grow up. He'll miss me too much. I've already decided on what I'm doing. It's a long process and I'll have a lot of moments like this, but I just need to stay strong. My New Year resolution will be to be happy and stay strong. Continue what I plan to do. Hopefully next year won't be as lonely as this. I need to learn to trust the people close to me. I need to be able to talk to someone, that will probably be healthy for me instead of bottling it all up inside me. I just need to be strong...

Surprised..

A lot has been going on lately. Meeting new people. Going to family outings. Work. School. Ever since that night, I've been trying to be busy. I've met a lot of nice people, and crazy people. What surprised me is this one individual that you both know about. I will give this individual a name, either R.C or Longbottom. Lol, Longbottom was a joke that he made up. It's his porn name. I'll stick with R.C. Anyways, I'm very surprised only because I never met someone like him. Someone who makes me feel comfortable inside yet gives me butterflies when I see and talk to him. It's been 2 weeks and 2 days. We talk everyday, text messaging and phone calls. He's not a phone person, and yet we talk for 2 - 3 hours tops before we go to bed. We text each other everyday while he's at work. I try not to bother him when he's at work, but he still text me. I'm surprised, and happy. I can actually say I'm happy. By being with him, even though we're not really together, I find that I don't have to hide my emotions from the world. I can be with him and just be myself. Whether or not I'm happy or upset. He's there to talk and lend a shoulder, laugh and smile. We had an interesting conversation today which really surprised me. Well, all our conversations are very interesting. He's a very interesting person I must say. Now I know that I'm on his mind a lot, and he knows that he's on my mind a lot. He's been hurt many times I know that and vice versa. He was surprised to know that I wanted to see him. I don't mind seeing him everyday even if it's for a short time. Even if not everyday, at least I get to see him once or twice a week. Even if it's not that, he still calls. Just hearing his voice is nice. I was surprised when he said that I'm on his mind and that he wants to be better then my ex's. I've never have someone tell me that. I go to bed now. Goodnight reader.

Since that night....

I've been doing a lot of thinking since that night. A lot to do with life. What is the purpose of me being here? What do I really want? Who am I really? How am I going to keep moving forward? I think a lot period. Couple nights ago, I drove down to Lakeshore and sat in my car and think. I like driving down to the lake. The drive is somewhat peaceful, I have my music blaring, but when I get to the lake, for me it's somewhat my escape. It was too cold that night to go out and sit on the rocks, plus I was in heels. Sat in the car and had my window down and just laid down and listen to the waves and think. It's soothing, very soothing.
The past couple of weeks, I've been trying to stay strong and be strong. I've been doing it mostly for my Cameron. I've always live my life to please the other person but never myself. This week was to find my own happiness, to make me happy, to live my life not only for my son but for myself. Ever since that night, I rarely was home. I didn't want to be home as much as I used to. Home to me isn't a loving place that I'm glad to be in anymore. My home right now feels like a prison, my room is my cell. Just like prison, there is no love. 3 meals a day, go out and come back and lock myself in my room. Everything here is provided if needed. What I really want is love. Someone to love me. Someone I can go to and tell that person everything. I don't feel love from my own family, how can I feel love from someone else? I can actually, from that one person who I love so much and who loves me, my son. I look at my son, and I think about my family. It makes me wonder how can anyone say that to their own child and mean it. They may love me, but they never showed it. My family is not a normal family. My family is really fucked up and I'm not just saying it. After my mental breakdown, thoughts of Cameron went through my head. He's the only thing that is keeping me alive. I don't even want myself to be here, but he's the only angel that I have in my life right now. He makes me happy. He lifts me up on my feet when I'm down. He loves me. Because my baby makes me stronger, I've decided to be strong for myself as well. So I've been trying so hard. Meeting new people. Not being a hermit. So far, I'm living. I'm not happy as yet. I'm still a depressed, angry child. Stupid thoughts still go through my head now and then. It's a working progress..
I've met a lot of people these past couple of weeks. Made new friends. Some were hangouts and some were dates. I've been seeing this guy a lot lately. Surprisingly, I didn't think I was able to after that happened. It was  the next night actually that we first met. I wasn't sure if I could do it, wasn't sure if I was going to breakdown out of the blue, didn't want that to happen. At first I wasn't opened up. I had my wall up. Luckily my friend Jenny was with us and she sort of broke the ice a little. Then she had to leave and we ended up talking/getting to know each other/spending time for 9 hours straight. After Jenny left, I started to open up little and yea.. That was a crazy night/day. I left home that night at 9 - 10pm and got home at 7am. It was crazy, and different. The next day we met again and the next day we met up again. We've met up with each other for about 4 days straight from when we first met. Now, we talk/text each other everyday. I see him at least once or twice a week. I like him, he likes me, but we're both taking it slow. We both have been hurt. And we both basically want the same thing. To feel love. I'm glad we're taking things slow, I don't want to rush things. I want to know for sure. We both feel comfortable around each other. I can be me, and he can be him. My family likes him so far, but things are going to be different. Really different. We both know each other's secret. My secret will never leave me. I am scarred for life. Even though I was told that it's not my fault, I still feel ashamed and disgusted.
So far, I'm a working progress to happiness. My own happiness. I may have been scarred for life. I may have had a fucked up life. All I wanted and still want is someone I can turn to. Someone who can be there throughout my happiest and saddest moments. Even if that person isn't there, I can be happy on my own. I need to be. For myself and for my baby. I'm on the right track so far. I just need to focus and be strong, if I can....

Take in the good, throw away the bad.

I haven't been on here for quite some time now. I've been quite "blah" lately. Since I only have 2 followers, and you're both my friends, and you both know a lot about me, I don't mind sharing. Easier, since you both look at my blog =). My little journal, I should start blogging a lot. Anyways, back to business, since my last blog about my "happiness". It was a good thing I didn't get too deep into it. My wall was way up and was afraid to come down for him. It was a good thing, because a few nights ago I found out a few things about my family history and connections to everything that has happened in my life. I'll tell you about what I found out, then what happened with him..

Everything was going well until after my shower. I got out, hear my mom crying and talking to my brother. I ran upstairs with my towel and hair was still dripping wet to find out what was wrong. Well, my brother decided to find out more, how, according to my mom he accused her of not caring for my dad. Mom burst into tears and starting going on how badly my mom treated her. My parents never loved each other. They only got married to move here. My brother and I found out a lot of shocking news. They decided to stay together because my mom was pregnant with me. My dad wanted her to have an abortion. She didn't, she decided to keep me. Then she was pregnant with my brother. Again, my dad wanted her to have an abortion. Again, she didn't and decided to keep him. Then she was pregnant again with my little brother. Again, the same thing. When I was born, my dad was never there. No flowers, not a single visit to see me or my mother. When my brother was born, same thing. No flowers, no gifts, not a single visit to see him, my mother, or myself. When my mother was in labor with my youngest brother, she had to take care of my brother and I, called my father who was at a party that time and couldn't pick her up. She took the cab to the hospital while watching us and in labor at the same time. Youngest brother died at birth with not enough oxygen, she didn't get to the hospital on time to deliver. I blame my him. I hate him even more. I put the connections together and understood why he did what he did. I'm pretty sure you both-followers/friends-know what I'm talking about, and if anyone else reads this, you have a pretty good idea of what I'm talking about. After finding out the truth about how my youngest brother died, it killed me. It killed me inside even more knowing that we could've had a better life, or another life in another time. My parents never loved each other, they never go out on romantic dates, they never kissed or say I love you, not that I could remember. My dad has never bought my mom any gifts. They never celebrate anniversaries, I've never seen or heard them mention it at all. Then I found out my mom self-destructed so many times in the past. She wanted to kill herself, but she couldn't because of us. She couldn't do anything to make it better. She couldn't leave and have a better life for herself. Instead she blame us for everything that happened to her. She blamed us for all the pain and suffering she went through. For my 23 years and my brothers 22 years, we find out now that we were a mistake, we were a huge burden to her, it was all because of us. My brother and I have both been scarred for life. Because of this, and knowing the fact that we're the ones to be blamed for the pain and suffering she went through was hard to take in. My brother has a disability that is for life which he is scarred from. Everything he went through was hell. What I've been through scarred me, the worse was that no one believes me. Everyone thinks that I'm stupid, I shouldn't say things like that. All my mom wanted was someone to love her. That was her pain and suffering. What my brother and I went through was more pain and suffering then her. That night when we found out, I almost self-destruct. Knowing that all my life and all my brothers life and the fact that we could've had a younger brother right now was all a mistake. A mistake that was never fixed. That night I wanted to just leave, leave everything, but then I thought about my baby. I couldn't do that to him. He wasn't a mistake, he's my angel. I think about him and I think about everything that I just found out and wonder how can anyone say that. I could understand if it was a joke or out of anger, but this was serious. How can anyone not love their kids? My parents don't love us, they care because they have to. I barely remember my parents ever tell us they love us. All I remember that after moving here, it was the same. Anger, sadness, depression. There were smiles, laughters, but mostly all fake. Lies. That night, I needed someone to talk to, anyone. I called up all my friends, I messaged him. I got bullshit from him. My friends couldn't be there, but they were still messaging me to make sure I was alright. What did he do? Nothing. Then I realized it wasn't even meant to be. Almost a month, when I needed someone to talk to me and make sure I don't do anything stupid, he wasn't there. Everything he told me were lies. All good to the ears but not to the heart. I was glad I didn't break my wall for him. I almost self-destructed. I'm glad I had someone get me back on my feet and back on my path. I had someone to basically slap me across the face and tell me to wake up and look at what's in front of you. I woke up and saw my baby. I don't just live myself, I live for him.

Take in the good, throw away the bad. There are some things you can and cannot forget. I've been scarred for life. I can't forget it, but I need to put it behind me. I need to be strong. I need to start living for myself before others. I need to be happy before I start making others happy. That's not me though. It's going to be hard. I've always make others happy before thinking about my own happiness. I tend to put certain people before myself. I don't know what happiness is now. The only time I know what that is is when my baby is with me. It's sad. 23 years and I don't know what it's like to have happiness. My happiness never stays with me.

Now you know what happened a few nights ago. I'm glad I let it out. I'm glad that someone stopped me. I just have to keep on looking forward then backward. I need to keep fighting. I have to be a warrior. You say I'm strong, I say I'm weak but I'm trying. I hide my emotions. My eyes says everything. I want to be happy and I believe that one day I will. I want the light to be there always and never leave me no matter what. I need comfort. I need protection. I need love. I need warmth. To get all that, I need it from me. To do that, I need to be strong. I can do this, for myself and for my baby. 

It's official....

I'm being a lazy bum today. So I thought I write something...

Well, it's official. Official since Sunday. I did pretty good I should say. Not really jumping into it too quick, had time to think and see. Almost a week, and it feels amazing. I actually met a guy who's just like me, scary yet awesome. It's like I'm dating myself but a man and much more cuter then I am. His personality is awesome, I love it. I see potential in him. I really hope this lasts. I'm tired of games, all the cheating and the lying. He makes me happy. He does little things that aren't necessary just to please me, it's adorable. Little things do please me sometimes, little things that are good. I guess that's part of being a mom, little things that your child does and all you can do is smile and be amazed at how smart your child is. I can't wait to meet his little girl, Cici. She looks so cute in her pictures, I'm excited. Hope her and Cameron get along well! I have trust issues and I feel like I can start trusting again. I can talk to him about anything, whatever is bothering me and even if it's silly. I love that. I love how I can be myself. I hope this will last like I said. I don't know what else to say. He's wonderful. I'm awesome, lol. I really like him. I see potential, and a long-term thing happening with him. "I got myself a good catch!", I think that's what he said. I think so too.

This is my shortest blog ever. My mind's all over the place. =).

This is how my fresh new beginning starts..........

I have decided to start a new beginning for the 10th billionth time, but hoping this time it's final. Got my goal set. School in progress. Work in progress. Just need to change a few things. Settle down and get my baby back. I got the bad out of my life and now in with the good. Finally there's been progress of change, good change, and stupid me does something like this.. This is how it all began..

Got the bum out on Wednesday. Parent's are happy, I'm getting there, still cooping with no one sleeping in my living room.. =|. Got my grades up in school, mom was really proud of me that I got a 94% on my exam for bookkeeping. That shit is frustrating!!!!! I'm glad I did well, and I have to do another part of bookkeeping, ugh, more frustration. So my overall average of my program is 86%. Then got home, made some calls. One call is for a job, and the other is for my license. I have to call to book a day to go in class. I need to take a class or my license will be suspended.. not good at all. 6 hours in-class and 1 hour driving class. Yep, apparently I'm a bad driver!! I haven't had accidents, I just have a lead foot!!!! Taking baby steps in better my life. Then went with my parents to Canadian Tire. Walked around, shopped a bit, then went out for a smoke while waiting for them. They came out so I decided to help. I took over the cart, put my wallet where the child seat is and.......I forgot about it. I finally realized I forgot my wallet when we got to Woodside. Dad was pissed, I freaked out and almost had a heart attack. So we went back to Canadian Tire, as I got out of the car, I felt my heart leave me. Thank god it was still there!! I know, stupid me, and yes it's the wallet you gave me (you know who you are....sorry!!!). Then back to Woodside we went and then home. My parents are happier now, you can tell, or I know. Came home from school and my mom was cleaning with music on, she rarely clean with music on. Then for dinner we had a BIG dinner. My parents are themselves again, and my brother, still the same jerk but I love him.

So starting a new beginning and I lose my wallet. Isn't it a nice way to start? I have to stop being forgetful! *bangs head* Well, the path to my goal is set, and I've already set foot on it. School and work are in progress and doing well. Just missing my baby and that special someone. I miss feeling loved. Anyways, time for a smoke and then rearrange my area, and my area as in my room (dirty minded people!). Adios amigos! Ciao =)!!

Love rain, but it is troublesome..

Yes, as you all know today was and is raining. I love rain. The feeling of the raindrops when it touches your skin. It is very troublesome though.

Going to school was a pain, especially when I have to go in the morning now. For the next two weeks it's morning classes. I don't mind, because my instructor's pretty cute. Other then that, it's taking the bus. Yesterday was my first day of the morning class. Almost got hit by a bus. I crossed the road on the crosswalk, not the lights, it was clear so I crossed. Bus stopped to let others in, I ran to catch it. Right when I got to the other side, still on the road, the bus driver let go of his brakes and the bus moved. Almost hit me. He stopped and looked at me and just left, didn't even pick me up! After that, almost twisted my ankle by walking on the curb. Waited another 15 mins for the other bus, got to school half an hour late. I don't like that at all. I hate being late! Today was worse. No, I didn't get hit by anything or twisted anything. I left extra early today for school. Got to the bus stop, and exactly 4 buses went by and wouldn't pick me and a few others up. Damn bus was too full. Even when it's not really THAT full, they still didn't stop. I hate that. I was late again. AGAIN!!! Oh well, at least I went to school and didn't ditch, although I was planning it. Tomorrow, I'm going to leave EXTRA early, earlier then I did today, I want to get there early. After school, met up with my best friend, Victoria, who I've known since Grade 7. So met up with her, went to Swiss Chalet, then walked around the mall. It was fun, met another friend, Jenny, who was working today, talked for a long time. Then a commotion happened between a black girl and guy. They were bickering, yelling, yea it was awesome, lol. Everyone stopped and stared, it was like a movie to them, except it's live. All I hear is the black girl yelling "IT'S OVER!", "WE'RE THROUGH!", "!@#$#@!". Yes, all the profanity you want to hear when your kids around. I find it very amusing, hilarious. Now the black guy on the other hand was yelling, but I did not understand a single word he said. Not to be racist or anything, but it's hard to understand black people talk. Some of them sound like they just made up a new language called Gibberish. Wait, is that a language at all, or just gibberish? Do I make any sense at all? Anyway, back to my day, after the commotion we went to PJ's Pet Store. Saw this cute wittle puppy!! I wanted it, if my mom wasn't highly allergic to animal fur, I'd steal it =). After going "ohhh", "awww", "look at that cute puppy/kitten!!", and "I want it!", we went to the food court and waited for a ride back. We saw our high school music teacher, Mr.Sylvester, he's an awesome music teacher, awesome teacher period. We didn't say hi, he was with someone, but it was nice to see him. Then ride came, and we went home. =) The end.

How'd you like my day? Hope you had a great day, or better then mine I suppose. Overall it was an alright day for me, other then coming home with a MASSIVE stomach pain. Can anyone tell me how to post pics up? I want to post the cute wittle puppy on here!! Toddles!!